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When Alignment Eludes Us: Nurturing Self in the Midst of Unmet Desires

What parts of myself will I develop or keep alive, while the parts of myself that I deeply desire to develop are unavailable to me?

I’ve asked myself this question at nearly every stage of my adult life, whenever I feel out of alignment. I feel out of alignment because although all of my physical needs are being met, my heart needs are not. There are parts of myself that I deeply desire to develop, but those parts are not available to me at this time.

This can look a lot of different ways, as we all have very specific desires for our lives…

• Partnership & Love
• Family
• Parenthood
• Career
• Friendships & Social Relationships
• Spirituality
• Physical Appearance
• Expectations we set for our lives don’t match our reality

Career. I’ve experienced this in my career at different points…feeling a deep desire to make a change but not being clear on what that change should, would or could look like…and also not carving out time or feeling like I don’t have enough time to imagine a new and more fulfilling career for myself. So I’ve felt…I feel (even now) out of harmony with my desires for my own life.

Desire to Experience Motherhood. I also feel a deep desire to be a mother. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Now that my life has finally started to come together in a way that will allow me to do so…there are still so many factors at play, like age and biology, that inhibit the ease or possibility of this happening at all. When you’re young and trying not to get pregnant, you are completely unaware of how difficult it actually is for some of us when we’re finally trying to get pregnant on the other side of age 35.

In the past…in my personal life, there were moments (more like years) where I wanted to be coupled or partnered, but I struggled to find the right person for me.

While I have experienced and continue to experience deep desires that I cannot fulfill, I also feel incredible lonely and helpless.

In past years, I would try to focus on what I could control. I poured into myself through education. I went back to school and obtained multiple advanced degrees and certifications. Working towards a goal helped me to achieve moments of harmony.

I found communities to become a part of so that I fulfilled my sense of belongingness. I felt moments of alignment. This was not a cure for loneliness, but it ushered in much needed moments of connection.

I created meaningful projects to work on that reflected my personal values.

I could’ve created more moments of joy…but that’s a work in progress.

I basically just kept living, despite the loneliness…I kept fighting for moments of alignment. During those moments I felt closer to myself and ultimately closer to individuals in my social circle.

My quest for alignment has been constant. It never ends. Accepting this helps me to recognize where the gaps are at a particular point in my life, so that I can try to achieve a harmonious balance between my external circumstances and internal desires. The struggle to align my aspirations, especially when they seem momentarily out of reach, can cause feelings of loneliness and helplessness. Yet, it helps me to adjust my standards for my own life so as to not hold myself to a standard that is stressful. Here are a few ways to undo holding yourself to a stressful standard and work towards achieving moments of alignment:

• Recognizing the Gap
  • This requires self-awareness. You may feel out of alignment, but have no idea why. It’s important to sit with the uncomfortable feelings associated with misalignment to explore where it’s coming from. Journaling helps…guided meditations help…walking in nature also helps…
• Taking Control Through Personal-Development
  • Degree programs, fellowships, leadership institutes, therapy, routine wellness practices are all examples of personal development. We often find alignment through personal development.
• Finding Community and Belonging
  • Diverse friend groups or diverse social groups are great ways to connect…We will have different connection needs across different stages of life and if we don’t have diverse friend groups with diverse lived experiences, we miss the opportunity to feel seen, and to have new experiences because our social networks are too homogenous.  
• Creating and Planning Joy
  • Plan your joy! Look for activities to look forward to. This can range from a concert to an intimate dinner with friends to a weekly podcast or Netflix show. Plan it! Create It! Schedule It! We often come up with out the box ways to solve our own problems when we are in state of rest and repair. This comes from joy and play!
• Prioritizing Pleasure
  • This can look a lot of different ways. Today I took 25 minutes out of my day to watch Big Sean’s tiny desk concert. The day felt less heavy, and I am so glad I took time from my workday to prioritize pleasure.
• The Continuous Fight for Alignment
  • The journey toward alignment is ongoing. We have different desires at every stage of life. I honor all the women in me…but the desires of my heart are ever evolving. The woman I am today does not desire the same things I desired 5 years ago. I try to honor what I need at every stage of life and to let go of what I needed in the past and may have already fulfilled.
• Closer to Self, Closer to Others
  • Connection is essential. An 85-year-old study by Harvard researchers revealed that social fitness is the number 1 key to a happy life. Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier and living longer. It’s important to tend to and nurture the connections that help us to feel good and to thrive. Squad Care and Community Care are essential components of a high quality of life.

The pursuit of alignment is a lifelong journey that constantly challenges us to adapt and grow. By acknowledging this ongoing process and embracing the tools at our disposal, we inch closer to a life filled with purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.