What experiences shape your point of view as it relates to beauty?
Our early childhood experiences shape our nascent ideas about beauty, our self-concept as it relates to beauty, the way that we recognize the presence or absence of beauty in ourselves and in the world around us. We are all influenced by ideas about beauty, from those who have fully “opted in” by integrating the most extravagant, time consuming and expensive beauty practices into their routines to those who consider themselves to have opted out by carrying out the most basic routines that focus solely on hygiene. None of us are exempt. Even the choice to opt out of beauty is influenced by the very experiences that shape our choice to “opt out.”
To understand how these experiences undergird the way we interact with the world us around, through our self-constructed beauty lens, is to better understand ourselves. Beauty is in every iteration of ourselves.
I can think of many experiences that shaped my self-concept around beauty. There are three overarching experiences that continue to sit within my ideological perspective today. I will share those in hopes that you will carve out time and space to reflect on your own beauty origin story.
The Power of being Seen…
As a really young kid, with two career focused parents, I spent of ton of time in my grandmother’s care. I was never into outdoors, so I basically sat under my grandmother watching soap operas and drinking coffee. Soap operas in the 90’s were comprised primarily of all white casts. I distinctly remember the very moment a young, black cast member was introduced on Guiding Light. Her name was Kathryn (Kat) Speaks and she was played by Nia Long. I thought she was so incredibly beautiful and what I remember observing about her beauty was that it seemed both familiar and aspirational. She was brown like me, her hair texture was similar enough to mine and she always wore her hair slick back into a bun or ponytail, and so did I. Although she was about 12 years older than me, she was creating the pathway to a standard of beauty that I could see myself fitting into.
Nia Long became my beauty North Star. I followed every movie she starred in from Made In America to Boyz in the Hood to Love Jones to Soul Food to The Best Man. In every role that she portrayed, I aspired to achieve the beauty aesthetic that she presented in those roles. This helped me to try on various style stories (a normal part of adolescent development) throughout adolescence, as I began to find my own.
I also developed the non-superficial parts of myself as I grew to admire various aspects of the character’s that she played. For example, in the movie Made In America, her character was a very ambitious straight A student, and I was inspired by that and wanted that to be a part of my own identity. Being “smart” and doing well in school became a very important part of my identity.
Her character in Boyz in the Hood went on to attend Spelman College. This was my very first introduction to Spelman College and I went on to attend college there. Nia Long’s character in the movie, Brandy, presented Spelman College as this aspirational institution that represented a pathway to upward mobility. Because of the way Spelman was framed in the movie, I regarded Spelman in the same way that many of my counterparts regarded the highly selective Ivies. Spelman College was and is my Ivy League. And through my experience at Spelman College, I was privileged to experience a sense of belonging that words can not quite articulate…a sense of belonging so powerful that it continues to keep me connected, grounded, affirmed and inspired throughout every stage of life.
In the movie Love Jones, Nia Long played a character that was deeply impassioned by the arts, photography and literature. I was exposed to Duke Ellington and John Coltrane, the work of Gordon Parks, and spoken word as performance art, through her character in that movie.
In the Best Man, she played an ambitious, career driven broadcast journalist, and I was inspired to pursue career pathways that were fulfilling and in alignment with my purpose.
While external facing beauty characteristics initially drew me in, the inspiration to focus on developing those non-superficial parts of myself have sustained my admiration, for Nia Long and her body of work, at every stage in life. Nia Long is still my beauty North Star, 30 years later.
Social Learning
We develop ideas about beauty, based on the way we observe other people responding to individuals with certain physical features. While you may not directly state that certain characteristics are more or less beautiful than others, children observe who gets complimented and who does not.
When I was a really young kid, I can remember when we watched movies and television shows as a family, my dad always complimented women with really rich and deeply melanated skin tones. For example, I can remember us watching a TV show called The Parent Hood, featuring Robert Townsend, Reagan Gomez-Preston and Suzanne Douglas. Suzanne Douglas played the mom. My dad always said how beautiful Suzanne Douglas’s complexion was. I also distinctly remember watching the movie Coming to America and my dad commented on how beautiful Eddie Murphy’s character’s arranged marriage bride, played by Vanessa Bell-Calloway was. These were such critical experiences because as I observed his positive responses to these women, and paid close attention to their physical characteristics that were not at all dissimilar to my own. I was learning that I did not need to become something other than myself in order to attract others. That was a very powerful lesson, and the greatest buffer to experiences of colorism.
Beauty Standard Disrupters
Both my maternal and paternal grandparents adhered to a personal style story that was defined heavily by politics of respectability. They grew during the racial terror of the Jim Crow south. My parents were disrupters of the dress codes of respectability. They both had their own distinct style stories that defied the Sunday’s best attire and slick back hair. They wore afros, despite parental disapproval. My Dad dressed casually and comfortably. My mom wore huge earrings, bold prints, bright colors, and adornments. Their personal style stories were the antithesis of their parents’ personal style story. But what I admire most about my parents and their style is that they always look confident in whatever they choose to wear, regardless of who approves or disapproves.
I think it’s important to note that although my parents never shamed us for anything we chose to wear, I felt very aware when my mother did not particularly like something I chose to wear. However, because she nor my dad shamed me, I felt confident to wear what I liked and recognized that personal taste is subjective and that the most important opinion about my style and attire was my own.
With every generation comes more freedom, the freedom that the previous generation fought for, and part of that is freedom of expression, as it relates to our sense of style. My parents never shamed my sister and I for anything we chose to wear. They never nudged us in the direction of their own personal style. They always gave us space and freedom to figure out our own personal style stories. Because of this, I generally feel comfortable in most of what I choose to wear. (I want to emphasize most of what I choose to wear…not everything…because I have certainly had my fair share of ugly duckling moments…)
I believe that my general feeling of comfort comes from feeling accepted at home. As a kid, I never left home searching for acceptance surrounding my appearance, because I felt affirmed at home. My parents were beauty standard disrupters and they paved the way to my own freedom and safety as it relates to my personal style.
These experiences continue to inform my ever evolving self-concept around beauty. I feel grounded in knowing that when I feel out of balance, these stories serve as guide or foundation to the inner work that I need to engage in to feel balanced again…to feel beautiful again…because after all, beauty is an inside job!
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One response to “Beauty Origin Story”
Reading your beauty origin story was such an insightful perspective. It made me reflective of what’s shaped mine and allowed me to tap into some memories and thought that I hadn’t reflected on in a while.
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